Ever wonder why some people are super chill in relationships while others are always checking their texts for a reply?


Or why some of us dive headfirst into deep connections, while others keep things at arm’s length? Enter Attachment Theory, the OG guide to understanding our feels in relationships.

And if you caught our latest What Is How To with Laura Mucha talking about this, you’ll know it’s a juicy topic!


“When understood correctly, attachment theory can help explain how and why we manage our emotions, pay attention, think, reflect and interact when it comes to close relationships throughout our lives.” – Laura Mucha

So, What is Attachment Theory?

Developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the mid-20th century, Attachment Theory is rooted in the idea that humans are biologically predisposed to form attachments with caregivers as a means of survival. Just as ducklings imprint on the first moving object they see, typically their mother, humans also seek out bonding for safety and security.

At its core, the concept suggests that humans instinctively seek comfort from significant figures, such as parents, caregivers or teachers, during times of distress, and the quality of these early relationships profoundly impacts our adult lives. Ideally, this key figure offers consistent emotional and physical support, fostering a sense of  trust. This is ‘security’.

But for some, the experiences they have with their parents, caregivers or teachers mean that they don’t fully trust that they’ll have a safe haven when they need one. This is called ‘insecurity’ – and ‘around half of us are classified as insecure,’ says Laura.

Breaking Down the Attachment Vibes:

Bowlby got the ball rolling, but another big name in Attachment Theory, named Mary Ainsworth, took it to the next level. She came up with four main “attachment styles” by watching kids play in a room (sounds simple, but trust us, it’s science).

  • Secure Attachment: These folks are your relationship Goldilocks – not too clingy, not too distant. Just right. Typically, these individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They tend to have a positive view of themselves and their partners, leading to balanced, fulfilling relationships.
  • Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Ever met someone who loves super hard and might double-text now and then? Yep, that’s them. These individuals often seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from partners, sometimes becoming overly dependent. They can be anxious about their relationships, fearing rejection or abandonment.
  • Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: The masters of “I’m fine” and “Let’s keep things casual.” Independence is their jam. Individuals with this style place high value on their independence, often appearing aloof or withdrawn from partners. They can dismiss feelings and downplay the importance of close relationships.
  • Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: A bit of a mix – they crave connection but also kinda run from it. It’s complicated. A complex style, these individuals desire emotional closeness but feel deeply mistrustful or fearful of getting too attached. This can result in a tumultuous relationship pattern.

Why Should I Care About This As An Adult?

Here’s the tea: how you attached as a child can spill over into your grown-up relationships. Our early attachment styles can influence our approach to intimacy, trust, and conflict resolution.

For instance, those with secure attachments tend to have healthy, enduring relationships. An anxious individual might need constant reassurance, while an avoidant person might struggle with commitment.

But hold up – your past doesn’t define you! Realising your style is step one. After that? You can totally grow and change if you want. It’s important to remember that attachment styles aren’t destiny. Awareness, understanding, and therapy can pave the way for change, allowing individuals to cultivate secure attachments even if their childhood experiences were less than ideal.

Attachment Theory is like having cheat codes for understanding our relationship game. By understanding our attachment style, we not only gain clarity about our relational patterns but also equip ourselves to nurture deeper, more meaningful bonds.

Ultimately, we’re all just trying to connect – and knowing a bit more about how we tick can make the journey a whole lot smoother.

Discover our What Is How To series on YouTube, here.

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